I'm tho thmart!

As you may know, from a previous post, I suffer from Mommy Brain Syndrome and up until yesterday I feel like my behavior of late has demonstrated an improvement in my symptoms. However, I suffered a major setback yesterday morning and it is really quite distressing for me as I had been developing a renewed hope in my recovery over the past few months. In my defense, I have been looking after one extra child for a couple of weeks so that may have been what triggered such a lapse in my recent instability. I know you are dying to know what humiliation I subjected myself to so I’ll get on with my tale. Yesterday we had a playdate to go to so the night before I set to work in the kitchen making muffins and banana bread so we could have something to share with the others. It all came out perfectly, one loaf of bread and 11 muffins ( the 12th was subject to quality control). So the morning of the playdate I have 3 kids, 3 bags and the tray of food to put in the car. I had my hands too full to open the door so I set the tray (can you guess where?) that’s right, on top of the car and proceeded to load everybody and everything into the car. Then, I strap myself in and take off. I get about half a mile from the house and get ready to make a turn and see something in the side mirror that grabs my attention. And because I don’t believe in flying saucers it only takes a second to realize that my dollar store food tray is flying through the air and is about to meet the pavement. So I panic, thinking about how the fruits of my labor are about to be destroyed, if not already, and that there is no way I can get to my goods in time for the 5 second rule to apply. I am also really distressed because not only did I dedicate time and effort to make the food but also a lot of comestibles. I mean let’s face it, these are difficult times and I am mentally going through the list of ingredients I had to use that were about to be a complete waste. So in my panic I pull over on the side, of what thankfully is a side road, and rush to gather my goods. But because it happened right at the intersection of another road I am worried that another car might come and run me over while I am foraging around. So I grab my still intact tray, which amazingly still has some food on it, and start frantically grabbing muffins and slices of banana bread before my life can be sacrificed for what basically amounts to a couple of cups of flour and some fruit. I know you are thinking just leave the food, grab the tray and get out of there but I just cannot bring myself to leave my bread. I mean I can’t serve it to anybody right? Right….? Of course not! Well, at least not to the other mommies but my family is not beyond recognizing that this would be a complete waste and we can’t afford to waste…waste not want not, no? So I separated the baked items that met the pavement with the ones that stayed on the plate and took a quick count and realized that at least 3 pieces of bread were missing and 2 muffins. Hmmm… what happened to the missing bread? I didn’t think it safe enough to stand around and look for too long and if 1 or 2 muffins ventured off into a ditch I would just consider them rogue and not try and make a recovery. So, fast-forward to the playdate, which was a good 15 miles away, and I am unloading everybody and everything and I glance onto the roof of the car and low and behold there is the missing banana bread and one muffin! How in the world they held on for that distance in beyond me but after being subjected to the wind and elements for a good half hour they had become a little hard and crusty and I quickly tossed them into the drainage ditch and tried to forget the loss since, after all, I was able to recover enough bread and muffins, tainted and otherwise, to be able to take home and to offer the playgroup. So what is the lesson I learned? Load the food first and then the kids because there’s no way I would leave one of them on top of the car right? Right…??

I'm a beast (of the smaller variety)

So my excuse for not posting in forever this time is a good one. I have been busy. It’s that simple. There were things I had to do that took priority over blogging about what I am sure would have been something fantastically interesting and informative had I had the time. So I am just going to give you a run-down of a couple of the things that have been going on around here during my hiatus.
First, my mother-in-law and nephew from Costa Rica flew in so that we could hit every Wal-Mart and Ross within a 20 mile radius of my house. There was something else they flew 1700 miles for…now what was it??...oh yeah DISNEY WORLD!!! We took all the kids to see Mickey Mouse! It didn’t take long though to discover that Mickey Mouse is actually the character that you will see least of at Disney World unless you’re counting 100% cotton appearances. It was a great trip though and my little princess can say she lost her first tooth at Disney World. Well, technically it was in the car on the way home but the head butt from little man that sealed the deal happened on the premises.
After our little getaway to Disney and after MIL left with 4 suitcases of Sam Walton’s merchandise I had to get serious about preparing for the triathlon. And when I say get serious I mean frantically search the internet for some product that might grant me superhuman strength for one morning so that I might not pass out since I didn’t train nearly as much as I probably should have. I didn’t want to come in first place but I did want to finish and at that point superhuman strength seemed like my only hope. However, since my search for said strength left me empty handed I had to rely on my “past my prime, have birthed 3 children” strength and it actually served me pretty well. So well that I would like to go into thorough detail of the events of that morning and if you don’t care then this is where we say goodbye and see you at the next post which may or may not be anytime soon.
So, here we go. The race was set to begin at 8am and I was supposed to get there early to get my number and get set up but when we got there there was a big line of cars trying to get in the park so I got nervous that we may be late or too late to get my bearings before the whistle blew. So once we did get in I felt kind of hurried and just lost in general because I had never participated in any kind of race before since the 3 legged kind in elementary school. There was a huge space dedicated to the transition area where the bikes were to be set up but they were announcing that they wanted us to get our race numbers first and so I left hubby with all the gear and hurried over to get my number. I tell them my name and the guy gives me an envelope with my name on it and my number inside. Then I have to go get my ankle timer which documents your time for each leg of the race. So I whip out my number from the envelope to show the ankle guy and the paper reads 899 so he gives me anklet 899. I then go to the sharpie lady and let her write 899 on my arm and calf before I could finally go find a place for my bike among the sea of racks. I find what seems to be a great location because it’s right beside the steps that go down to the water for the swimming portion. I was kind of surprised that it wasn’t full already and went ahead and celebrated my luck at such a good spot. Next I start to unload and go to put my number on my bike and realize that my number is printed on the paper wrong and I will have to hang it upside down compared to the others around me. However, the girl next to me points out that it’s not printed upside down rather I am putting it on upside down which makes my number not 899 but 668! GREAT, now I have the wrong number sharpied on my arm and calf and have to go back to the sharpie lady. I figured that she would have something to wipe it off since this can not be the only screw up, but no, she just marks through it and writes the new number beside the old one making me look amateur from a mile away. In my hurry to correct the wrong doing I forget that the wrong number is also assigned to my ankle monitor and don’t realize it until I am standing in the sand with 800 other people about to hurl myself in the water. I have a mini-freak out session wondering if somebody else has my number and how will they ever figure out my time but I just figured that maybe it was a sign that my time should not be made available for public viewing and try to focus on the swim.
I was told that we would be asked our time for swimming 400 meters and they would put us in groups accordingly. I was prepared to proudly state 10 minutes and be in one of the first groups to go. In fact I was kind of banking on this because swimming was going to be my strength in this race. However, yes another however, they never asked and put everyone in order by gender and age. Men first and then women, which meant that I was in the next to the last group right before your grandma. This was discouraging because I knew I was going to struggle on the bike but thought this would keep me from being in the back of the pack, at least for a while anyway. Anyway, the water wasn’t cold, which I had feared, but my heart was racing before I ever got in the water. I knew the swim wouldn’t be as easy as practicing in a pool with clear water and lap lanes but it really turned out to be more difficult than I had thought with peoples’ feet in my face and having to look up to see where I was going. My time ended up to be 2 minutes longer than my best pool time but still not too bad. The bad came after I got out of the water and have to run uphill, barefoot back to the bike area. I was just about to “dart” up the stairs (remember the ones that I mentioned were right beside my bike rack) when an official says “you have to go straight”…uh what?? Come again?...but I had heard correctly and I pathetically point and say “but my bike is up there” hoping that she could make an exception because I am obviously a newbie, can’t she see my 2 sets of numbers on my arm?? So I follow the other racers to the next entrance to the bike area only to see another huge incline which ends in the complete opposite end from where my bike is awaiting me. By then practically the only bikes left are mine and grannie’s so that eliminated any fear of being able to locate my bike.
I shove off on the bike and do pretty well considering I have not ridden a bike very much but I was still scared that something might go wrong with the bike and I wouldn’t be able to fix it because I know nothing about a bike accept for how to pedal and steer. I had heard that there was one pretty steep hill on the course so when I get to a hill and see some people walking alongside their bikes I get nervous but am able to make it up without stopping. After that I was sitting a little higher in the saddle proud that I was able to keep going and am obviously superior to some of the racers as I did not have to dismount! Just about the time I finish patting myself on the back I see what surely must be a wrong turn on the course because I am staring at what looks like Mnt. Everest and realize this is “the hill”. I try to get my momentum up so I can get as far as possible before coming to what I am sure will be a grinding halt halfway up. That momentum didn’t last long at all and I find myself frantically trying to change gears so that I can keep pedaling but apparently there are no gears lower than 1 and simultaneously I come to a stop and I hear a “crunch” which I knew couldn’t be good but I didn’t see any little parts rolling away down the hill so I just hop off and join the other “inferior” bikers pushing their bikes up the hill. When I get to the top and go to get back on I realize the chain is dangling somewhat near the pavement instead of clinging to the bike. I have another mini freak-out session which was obviously heard by a man who was stopped fixing his own bike and he came to my rescue and put the chain back on. I finished the biking portion without further incident but it made me seriously question my sanity and I only finished 10 minutes longer than my best practice time which I felt was not bad considering the hill/chain incident.
By time I get off the bike I am spent and have a stitch in my side that feels like a dagger. I keep pushing though and do not let the fact that most of the men and some of the women are done with the race before I even start the run deter me. Now, when I say run I use that term loosely as I did a good bit of power walking too due to the stitch in my side and that I was out of water and there was only 1 water station on the running course and by time I reached it the water was a cool 90 degrees. I kept trucking though and the best part of the whole race came when I was able to hear the music as I got close to the finish line and then to see the people lined up cheering me on. This gave me that last bit of strength I needed to actually run across the finish line and scan the spectators to find the photographer so I could flash my best I just completed a triathlon face.
That about sums it up besides the fact that I spent the rest of the day collapsed on the bed. I am glad I did it, it was a great experience but I do not wish to do it again. It may be like childbirth though, the memory of the pain is still fresh now but in a year or so I will have forgotten about that part and may wish to do it again. But if I did I would definitely not do it with a mountain bike even if Mnt. Everest does make an appearance

Thank you Beyonce!

To whom it may concern (in other words probably none of you) there seems to be only one triathlon store in the Atlanta area and if you plan to go make sure you don’t take a 2 year old and that you check your self-esteem at the door. I got lucky in that they were having a tent sale and they had all last year’s apparel on sale. However, my luck quickly ran out after I loaded up as much as I could carry and went to the dressing room only to realize that it had one of those trick mirrors that instead of reflecting your image projects images of texturely fun snacks like jello and cottage cheese. I consider myself to be in pretty good shape after having 3 children but it is obvious that tri-clothes were not designed for matronly figures. But 12 pair of shorts and 17 tops later I was able to find something that worked for me so that I wouldn’t have to run on a public road in a bathing suit.
I was excited to try my new apparel so I downloaded bootylicious and hit the gym today to attempt to combine all 3 sports into one workout for the first time. Swimming went well as I predicted and all I had to do now that I had my new gear was hop out of the pool, put my shoes on and hop on the bike. I hadn’t thought about what I would do if all the bikes were taken once I left the dressing room but thanks to spring break I had all the room I needed so I didn’t have to field questions about why I was hovering all over other guests while dripping water and breathing heavily. I managed 10 miles on the bike and was feeling pretty good so I dismounted and hopped on the treadmill to see what my legs would do. I only did a mile so as not to overdo it but considering I only have to do 3 on race day I felt good about my progress and with 8 weeks remaining I have no doubt I can do this and I am not going to take the fact that both my bike and MP3 player (2 of the most important components in training) have broken since I started this as a sign that I should find another way to spend my time.

gearing up!

Spring has officially sprung and I too have sprung into action to try and get ready for this triathlon I decided to do back in the fall. I was all pumped up for the challenge until I decided to seriously start training so I wouldn’t have to medevaced from the premises on the big day. Let’s face it, I am NOT an athlete. Yes, I played t-ball as a child and I even did cheerleading in junior high, of course that was when simply demonstrating the ability to do a cartwheeI guaranteed you a spot on the squad, but somehow those things don’t make for a very impressive resume in the world of athletics. However, what I lack in athletic prowessness, I make up for in sheer determination. So, having decided that determination alone could carry me through I decided to hunker down and hit the pavement…and the water…and the pedals.
I haven’t been too worried about the swimming part as I have always been a good and fast swimmer, compared to most people anyway. I was on the swim team for years and have a whole album full of 3rd-7th place ribbons to prove that the water and I get along just fine. But just to be sure I jumped in the pool and although I was breathing like I had a collapsed lung I still did all 16 laps on the first attempt. The running portion doesn’t have me too worried either as I can walk if I have to and I can always remove my race number and act like a pedestrian in a hurry if my lack of progress becomes too humiliating. What does have me worried is the biking leg of this whole thing. I didn’t think that 12 miles was such a big deal until I got in the saddle. I thought, no big deal, I had a huffy with a banana seat and the ace of spaids in my spokes as a child and later upgraded to a 10 speed that I routinely rode between my neighbor’s house and my own, which had to be at least a quarter mile apart. Well, it didn’t take long for me to realize that the car is hands down the greatest invention ever, whereas if you had asked before my attempt to pedal 12 miles I would have said electricity. So thank you, Mr. Benz, for inventing the automobile, you have saved many a woman from hurting in their special place.
I had to take several breaks along the way to guzzle water and to catch my breath and at one point had to dismount completely and push the bike up a “hill”. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was as I was doing 8 miles on the gym bike without having anything resembling a coronary. Halfway through I decided I must have the seat to low because there was no reason I should be considering calling in reinforcements on what I consider to be a relatively flat (at least from a car rider’s prospective) country road. So, I made the necessary adjustments and VOILA! I retrieved the towel that I had thrown in half a mile back and made it back to my AUTOmobile without having to stop once. I still have a lot of progress to make if I want to cross the finish line this June but I feel like I am on my way.
A more pressing concern, yes, more pressing than having a coronary, is what to wear for this event (just picture me biking and running in only a speedo brand bathing suit and sneakers and you’ll get what I mean) but this will have to wait to be addressed because I have to go ice my special parts.

Signs of life

So, let’s revisit that “I am going to blog to document all the important details of our lives” statement I made 6 months ago. What I meant was I’ll blog when I feel like it : ) and for the better part of my adult life I have not felt like doing much of anything from November to February. That’s right, I hibernate the entire winter and have zero motivation to do anything that involves getting out of bed. For the sake of my children I manage to string some words together here and there and go to the grocery store to buy toilet paper but other than that there’s not much to be said for our daily activities after November 1st. I am going to spare you all the details about how I spent Christmas with the flu and how every time we left the house one of the kids got sick and how I had to flip the couch cushions to avoid a permanent indentation of my 5’7 frame. Just know you didn’t miss much and this may or may not be a come back considering it is still February and this spring like weather which has revived me may not last for long.

spittle, sputum, spitoon, and other fun topics

O.K I lied about the "other fun topics" but you're here now and that's all that matters.

Now that I am staying at home we have a lot of time to spend together but we try to make sure we get some time to ourselves as well. So yesterday A and E both go up to the playroom together to do what only seemed logical...to play or maybe, knowing how precocious and gifted they are, they were going to engage in meaningful conversation about the state of their union. Anyway, after about 30-40 minutes of new found freedom I began wondering what they were doing that was keeping their attention for such a unprecedented amount of time. My first inclination was to go check on them but thought better of it as surely this peaceful display of kinship would come to a grinding halt if I were to show up. So I decided to let nature run its course and take advantage of the time to myself so I could finish alphabetizing my canned goods and making kindling from dryer lint.
About 5 minutes later I hear them coming down the stairs and inquire about their recent activities. It played out like this:
Me: What have y'all been doing up there all this time?
DD: silence ( I could tell she was trying to decide whether to tell me or not)
Me: well?? What were you doing?
DD: spitting
Me: What do you mean spitting?
(she then proceeds to demonstrate her spitting technique)
Me: where were you spitting?
DD: in a cup
Me: this whole time you have been up there spitting in a cup?
DD: uh huh
me: and your brother?
DD: he was just playing

So there you have it. It is that simple, kids don't need lead coated toys from China that make an array of repetitive and annoying noises or expensive, plastic nick knacks that fall apart when you look at them. Give'em a little saliva or encourage them to make their own and let'em go at it.
It will certainly make for a more economical Christmas this year

My little angels

So I've been out of commission for a while with one thing or another and as it usually goes with mommies I found myself lacking any empathetic caretakers to surround me and nurse me back to health and as a result it took me a good long while to get my mojo back.

Anyhow, I have returned to get something off my chest. Something that I struggle with on a weekly basis and am not thrilled to admit but I am just going to lay it out there anyway and say I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING WITH MY CHILDREN!! There, I said it, now you know I don't have it all together. Well, you may have figured that out if you've ever witnessed me interact with my children at all but my focus today is on that horrific, fluorescent lit, narrow aisled, foul carted vendor of all things bright and tempting: Kroger.

I know your're thinking why don't I do my shopping when I don't have to take my little miracles but that would pretty much narrow my shopping window to late nights and weekends and that is just out of the question.

I think that all these stores that offer the carts with the the cars and TVs think they're doing us a favor but it is obvious to me that whoever designed them does not have children themselves. I mean who really thinks that 2 children are going to sit side by side in a little plastic cave on wheels without trying to pummel one another to death. If they really wanted to do me a favor they would have set it up like a patrol car with a non-transparent plexiglas between the 2 sides of the car making physical and visual contact impossible.

Also, if they had any insight into the inner workings of a child they would know better than to stock consumables at the same level as the windows on the little plastic time bomb. Better yet they wouldn't put any windows in those things at all as it is obvious that the temptation to grab everything in sight is too great for any little person to bear.

And for those shoppers who don't have children and apparently didn't have parents to teach them any better STARING IS NOT POLITE! It's like they think that glancing over every chance they get at a mother and her children who are in the midst of a contest to see who can shove who out the front hole of the plastic contraption first is their civic duty. As if they are letting you know that they are taking note of the situation and are ready to call in reinforcements if necessary. Or maybe they are just making mental notes never to have children themselves or to find an adult only grocery establishment.

When they see me coming now at the Kroger I frequent they have a system that alarms all available employees to take their stations and be prepared for any pending emergencies or to reconstruct any ill placed displays of the week's value items. They also have someone especially assigned to grope over and scrutinize my children and the little car to make sure they aren't sitting on a flattened bag of bagels or chomping on an open bag of rice cakes.

As you can see this all leads to a very stressful outing and a desire to dine on carry-out food from now until my little marvels can be trusted to stay at home by themselves, which at this rate will not be until we have consumed approximately 1,248 pizzas, 1,872 cartons of chow mein and 1433 buckets of fried chicken. Now you see my plight?